TUNA MELTZER REPORT: ANOTHER TOUCHDOWN AT ADRENALINE!?

[TOUCHDOWN]

Three

Two…

MELTZER REPORT!

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THE TUNA MELTZER REPORT

ANOTHER TOUCHDOWN FOR IPW’S GREATEST CHAMPION?!

I found myself shaking from the adrenaline, as I walked into the warehouse to interview IPW’s biggest star: Alastor Touchdown.

The legendary tag team of The Jamrockers spar in-ring, expertly trading holds and flowing into combinations smooth as silk. I tell you, dear reader, I struggle to announce my presence at first, how could I interrupt such masters of the craft? Thankfully, I don’t have to, as the duo stop midway through and Touchdown graciously waves me over.

We sit on the ring apron together. I can’t help but admire the strong heroic, build of Touchdown as he greets me. Still carrying scars from his first title defence - a ladder match at Royal Crown which readers will remember won the coveted Tuna Meltzer “Fight of the Night” award and is the only IPW match to receive a double digit star rating. Despite the difficulty of his achievement, defeating four men in a dangerous stipulation, Touchdown appears vigorous.

“Champ, looking great as always!” I say, referencing our historically strong bond.

“Right, thanks.” The Champion humbly replies.

“We’ll get right to it. Disregarding the blatant UNFAIRNESS of you defending your title in another multi-man match after dominatingly retaining it at Royal Crown…” I take a moment to recompose myself, my hatred for injustice almost interfering with my credibility as a journalist. “What’s your mindset going into Adrenaline?”

Touchdown considers my words with the poise of a world leader.

“The same mindset I take into any match, the same mindset that got me this title from Cross. But, with a slight addition. People seem to forget that soon, IPW goes on a mid-season break. I intend to walk into that off-season and into the new year, STILL the Openweight Champion. From there? The World Championship, The Jamrockers uplifting the tag scene like I have this Championship. There’s no limit to the sights I’ve set for IPW’s future. But, that requires keepin' hold of this title. So, although I may respect Former Champion Cross Recoba and BJ Alexander as much as I respect insects, I still take them with the same mindset that’s kept me undefeated since I adopted it, as Cross could tell ya.”

When The Champion concluded, I found myself sitting in awe, removed from my status as wrestling’s premiere journalist and existing solely as a fan. I don’t mind telling you, dear reader, I was a little embarrassed when I caught myself, but such was Touchdown magnanimousness that he never said a word, indeed it’s like he forgot I was even there!

“Well, moving on to your opponents,” I said, maintaining my professional demeanour despite my noted dislike for subpar competitors. “While they may not warrant such clinical dissection, what’re your thoughts on them? You’ve history with Cross so instead let’s start with… DJ Alexander?”

I peruse through my notes on the fellow while Touchdown already begins his sage-like assessment.

“He’s a hard guy to pin down. I mean, in all my years in wrestling, I’ve never met a young, tall, athletic white guy who calls himself a “Game Changer”, has won a bunch of titles from companies you’ve never heard of and has little personality of distinction beyond “arrogant young man”.”

I struggle to contain a chuckle from The Champ’s (accurate) summation. Even still, I offer some defence. “He did beat Riskel Konstantine.”

“Indeed.” Touchdown says, nodding handsomely. “THE Riskel Konstantine! A fact he doesn’t neglect to mention, likely since it’s the only reason IPW fans have to care about him. But I want to make one thing crystal, boring caricature though CJ may be, that doesn’t mean he gets a chance to fly under my radar.”

Touchdown’s expression shifts.

“JJ has athletic talent, he has the capacity to sneak a win - despite Cross’ idiotic belief otherwise. But, LJ loses for a simple reason. He’s a fool in over his head, talking like I’ve been Champ for years, believing Cross is the superior threat. I don’t have enough of an ego to argue otherwise, if he wants to do my work for me and wear himself and Cross out, I’ll happily allow it. It means I don’t even have to outsmart him, just wind him up and watch him go.”

Touchdown chuckles, I try joining in but he’s already stopped. I clear my throat and continue.

“And Cross?”

“Ah…” Touchdown scoffs. “What. To say. About Criss-Cross Recoba.”

The Champion inhales, looking past me as he speaks.

“I ever tell you the definition of insanity?” I shake my head. “Insanity’s doing the same thing over and over, watching it fail, then whining until you fail again.”

Touchdown spits derisively on the floor a special level of contempt for Cross.

“Cross, you’re like a moth, attracted to your own delusion. The more you get outsmarted the harder you retreat into your narcissism. It’s at the point now where you think Jack and Long are screwing you over personally! The reality is, I spat in Long’s face and both my defences thus far have been matches without any Champions advantage. You, on the other hand, keep getting chances to win this title back without deserving it. You’re not jumping through hoops, you’re getting doors opened for you yet still managing to walk into a wall.”

“This pattern keeps happening because you refuse to switch gears. Even now, you’re shambling around doing bougie crap and disregarding any and all threat to your success, purely off the belief that you’re inherently better than anyone else. You’re so devious, yet you cry about how I keep outsmarting you. You’re so cunning, yet you can never adapt when the situation warrants. You’re so. Great.”

“Yet you keep losing. To me.”

I frantically try and scribble down every enunciation of gold that pours from Touchdown, as he looks me in the eyes and concludes.

“The Openweight Championship deserves better than Game Changers or Box Office Smashes. IPW deserves better."

"I'll make sure they get it.”

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SIX!

STAR! MAN!