Post by INFINITE PRO. on Aug 30, 2022 18:59:45 GMT
The Tuna Report
By Tuna Meltzer
There's no doubt that wrestling has sucked lately.
The amount of bad reviews that I’ve given out compared to the good ones is generally alarming. There have been weeks when I’ve watched every single match from every single company and nobody can get above a two point five.
Some days I really stand back and wonder is pro wrestling, the sport I love and have loved since I was a wee lad, has flatlined.
Plateaued.
Has gotten as good as it can get.
And we are doomed to the same old matches with the same old wrestlers until the sport withers and dies within Mongo The Destroyer's money grubbing hands.
But every now and then….
The planets align.
It’s xtremely rare…
You never expect to see it in your lifetime. Surely these are the kinds of things you read about in history books. Legends passed down from generation to generation. Stories of a person who could do great things. Who could accomplish things no other person could do.
Someone who can change the world.
Well….
We just got two.
Ladies and gentlemen, What’s all that fuss? Well, it’s just Team Cool to the Touch!
Let me be the first to introduce you all to the JamRockers! Alastor Touchdown and Jimi Cooldown.
THE 👏SAVIORS👏 OF PROFESSIONAL👏 WRESTLING 👏AS WE 👏KNOW👏 IT!
I know, that’s a big claim.
But trust me, I know more about wrestling than you do.
These guys have all the skills. They can talk, they can wrestle, they sing, they do your taxes for a small fee.
The things one lacks the other picks up the slack. And vice versa.
The honed and pristine athletic prowess of Alastor Touchdown compliments the vicious and ungodly might of Jimi Cooldown. And vice versa.
But no matter what way you flip this next statement, it will always be true.
Without even having a match, The JamRockers are the best tag team in the world.
Sources close to the situation have seen some of their private matches and the sources say they are really, really, really, really, really good.
👌
The JamRockers have been high class entertainers and top draws since they were boys. It’s all in their unofficial autobiography! Entitled JamRockers: “Jam Fast, Rock Hard”
I’ve read a few chapters and it is exceptional. One summer, while their father was on a business trip and their mother was away at prison, they had to fend for themselves at seven years old and they had wrestling matches on a trampoline to earn money!
They didn’t even own a trampoline.
They went door to door, putting on five star matches on the neighbors trampolines. They earned so much money they were able to wire their dad money to get home when he lost his ticket. And they won their mothers court case and proved her innocence.
Such inspirations.
Such great wrestlers.
Such great men.
They are changing the business.
As a matter of fact, I’m gonna do something I don’t normally do.
The JamRockers debut promo.
SIX STARS.
I mean it!
Go back and watch it and tell me I’m wrong!
Meanwhile, I’m looking to buy a house in boogie street!
Thanks for reading.
~
🐟
By Tuna Meltzer
There's no doubt that wrestling has sucked lately.
The amount of bad reviews that I’ve given out compared to the good ones is generally alarming. There have been weeks when I’ve watched every single match from every single company and nobody can get above a two point five.
Some days I really stand back and wonder is pro wrestling, the sport I love and have loved since I was a wee lad, has flatlined.
Plateaued.
Has gotten as good as it can get.
And we are doomed to the same old matches with the same old wrestlers until the sport withers and dies within Mongo The Destroyer's money grubbing hands.
But every now and then….
The planets align.
It’s xtremely rare…
You never expect to see it in your lifetime. Surely these are the kinds of things you read about in history books. Legends passed down from generation to generation. Stories of a person who could do great things. Who could accomplish things no other person could do.
Someone who can change the world.
Well….
We just got two.
Ladies and gentlemen, What’s all that fuss? Well, it’s just Team Cool to the Touch!
Let me be the first to introduce you all to the JamRockers! Alastor Touchdown and Jimi Cooldown.
THE 👏SAVIORS👏 OF PROFESSIONAL👏 WRESTLING 👏AS WE 👏KNOW👏 IT!
I know, that’s a big claim.
But trust me, I know more about wrestling than you do.
These guys have all the skills. They can talk, they can wrestle, they sing, they do your taxes for a small fee.
The things one lacks the other picks up the slack. And vice versa.
The honed and pristine athletic prowess of Alastor Touchdown compliments the vicious and ungodly might of Jimi Cooldown. And vice versa.
But no matter what way you flip this next statement, it will always be true.
Without even having a match, The JamRockers are the best tag team in the world.
Sources close to the situation have seen some of their private matches and the sources say they are really, really, really, really, really good.
👌
The JamRockers have been high class entertainers and top draws since they were boys. It’s all in their unofficial autobiography! Entitled JamRockers: “Jam Fast, Rock Hard”
I’ve read a few chapters and it is exceptional. One summer, while their father was on a business trip and their mother was away at prison, they had to fend for themselves at seven years old and they had wrestling matches on a trampoline to earn money!
They didn’t even own a trampoline.
They went door to door, putting on five star matches on the neighbors trampolines. They earned so much money they were able to wire their dad money to get home when he lost his ticket. And they won their mothers court case and proved her innocence.
Such inspirations.
Such great wrestlers.
Such great men.
They are changing the business.
As a matter of fact, I’m gonna do something I don’t normally do.
The JamRockers debut promo.
SIX STARS.
I mean it!
Go back and watch it and tell me I’m wrong!
Meanwhile, I’m looking to buy a house in boogie street!
Thanks for reading.
~
🐟