Post by INFINITE PRO. on Aug 30, 2022 20:10:46 GMT
We fade up on a split screen. On the right hand side is IPW's resident backstage interviewer Luis De León. On the left is Johnny Five, flexing idly in a sleeveless top at some other location.
Hello IPW fans, I'm here with Johnny Five to discuss his match at the upcoming edition of Adrenaline.
Johnny looks confused (admittedly not an unusual occurrence).
Wait, you're interviewing me?
It is now Luis' turn to look confused.
Yes? Why else did you think this video call was happening?
I dunno. I thought you were just being friendly and stuff.
...No. So, as I was saying...
Johnny holds up a hand.
Sorry Luis, gonna have to cut you off there. It's specifically stipulated in my contract that I do backstage interviews with one person and one person only.
In a metatextual moment that would make Deadpool proud, Johnny 'pushes' against the split screen and shoves it out of view. The screen is now filled by Johnny and his immediate surroundings, which conveniently includes the always unenthused Ellie Stanford, microphone in hand.
Sup. Ellie Stanford.
She vaguely inclines her head towards Johnny.
Johnny Five.
She sort of turns a bit to almost face him.
Sup?
Like a dog off a chain, Johnny bursts into promo action.
A lot's up, Ellie! Notably inflation, but thankfully also the High Five's stock! I came in guns blazing in my debut and beat that boring boaster Aren Mstislav, then I went back to FIRESIDE for its final show and punked out the pisspoor president Curtis Kanyon in a match so crazy it literally burnt down the house! Catch the replay on the XHF Network, folks; loads of great moments like Subject 42 getting a new kitty and the return of MAJESTY and Caffrey committing suicide!
Ellie blinks at him.
You're doing that thing you do when I've said something weird.
Someone killing themselves isn't great, dude.
Oh okay; it's just lots of people seemed really happy about it online.
Johnny waves the subject off.
Anyway, that's the past, so let's talk about the awesome stuff coming up instead! I'm back in the IPW ring at Adrenaline IV, and this time my opponent is way cooler than some guy who goes on and on about how bored he gets. I'm up against Aaron Asphyxia, who I originally thought was some guy who died in a terrible autoerotic asphyxiation accident, but turned out I was thinking of David Carradine. No, Aaron Asphyxia is in fact this badass older woman who's been wrestling for over 20 years! Do you know how cool that is, Ellie?
Ellie shrugs diffidently. Johnny carries on regardless.
It's really fucking cool! I get to test my abilities against a veteran who's been wrestling almost as long as I've been alive, and they're also a total MILF!
Ellie rolls her eyes. Johnny notices and scoffs.
Hey now! Johnny Munchies is a progressive modern man! I can totally acknowledge how sexy an opponent is while also respecting their prowess! Aaron, I ain't gonna be taking you lightly, just 'cause I wouldn't mind taking you out to dinner. I know I'm gonna need to give it my all to come out the winner, but I'm on a roll for a reason! Will your canny veteran instincts be enough to overcome my youthful vigour?
He wags a finger.
Johnny don't think so! For all your skill, this match is only gonna end one way: Five's gonna be on it!
It?
You know... it.
Ellie blinks. Johnny shrugs and does the Cena 'five knuckle shuffle' motion before we mercifully cut to black.
Hello IPW fans, I'm here with Johnny Five to discuss his match at the upcoming edition of Adrenaline.
Johnny looks confused (admittedly not an unusual occurrence).
Wait, you're interviewing me?
It is now Luis' turn to look confused.
Yes? Why else did you think this video call was happening?
I dunno. I thought you were just being friendly and stuff.
...No. So, as I was saying...
Johnny holds up a hand.
Sorry Luis, gonna have to cut you off there. It's specifically stipulated in my contract that I do backstage interviews with one person and one person only.
In a metatextual moment that would make Deadpool proud, Johnny 'pushes' against the split screen and shoves it out of view. The screen is now filled by Johnny and his immediate surroundings, which conveniently includes the always unenthused Ellie Stanford, microphone in hand.
Sup. Ellie Stanford.
She vaguely inclines her head towards Johnny.
Johnny Five.
She sort of turns a bit to almost face him.
Sup?
Like a dog off a chain, Johnny bursts into promo action.
A lot's up, Ellie! Notably inflation, but thankfully also the High Five's stock! I came in guns blazing in my debut and beat that boring boaster Aren Mstislav, then I went back to FIRESIDE for its final show and punked out the pisspoor president Curtis Kanyon in a match so crazy it literally burnt down the house! Catch the replay on the XHF Network, folks; loads of great moments like Subject 42 getting a new kitty and the return of MAJESTY and Caffrey committing suicide!
Ellie blinks at him.
You're doing that thing you do when I've said something weird.
Someone killing themselves isn't great, dude.
Oh okay; it's just lots of people seemed really happy about it online.
Johnny waves the subject off.
Anyway, that's the past, so let's talk about the awesome stuff coming up instead! I'm back in the IPW ring at Adrenaline IV, and this time my opponent is way cooler than some guy who goes on and on about how bored he gets. I'm up against Aaron Asphyxia, who I originally thought was some guy who died in a terrible autoerotic asphyxiation accident, but turned out I was thinking of David Carradine. No, Aaron Asphyxia is in fact this badass older woman who's been wrestling for over 20 years! Do you know how cool that is, Ellie?
Ellie shrugs diffidently. Johnny carries on regardless.
It's really fucking cool! I get to test my abilities against a veteran who's been wrestling almost as long as I've been alive, and they're also a total MILF!
Ellie rolls her eyes. Johnny notices and scoffs.
Hey now! Johnny Munchies is a progressive modern man! I can totally acknowledge how sexy an opponent is while also respecting their prowess! Aaron, I ain't gonna be taking you lightly, just 'cause I wouldn't mind taking you out to dinner. I know I'm gonna need to give it my all to come out the winner, but I'm on a roll for a reason! Will your canny veteran instincts be enough to overcome my youthful vigour?
He wags a finger.
Johnny don't think so! For all your skill, this match is only gonna end one way: Five's gonna be on it!
It?
You know... it.
Ellie blinks. Johnny shrugs and does the Cena 'five knuckle shuffle' motion before we mercifully cut to black.