Post by INFINITE PRO. on Aug 30, 2022 20:25:19 GMT
Thanks For Tunin' In
Three
Two
One
Let's Jam!
Do-do-doooo.
“They see us jammin, and their hearts are filled with rage.”
Do-do-daaaaa.
“They locked me in a woooOooOoOrld of darkness, with all my boogie goooooone and I miss you, Sweet Jam.”
DUN!
“AHHHHH!”
“Tch, fuckin’... Stupid. Can of lead paint...”
“AL!”
“Let's JAM!”
“Oh! Hello! Come right in!!”
“I have.”
Cooldown gestures to the door with his hand. He looks back to his partner with pause.
“Is that paint? W-what is this? Why is it so dark in here?”
“I’m living in a wooooorld of DARKNESS.”
“Okay, uhh, what gives?”
“Well, what gives with your OUTFIT, man?!”
Cooldown rolls his eyes and looks to the windows.
“Let’s open these up, get some uhh..”
“Light?”
“Yeah…light.”
Cooldown pulls the curtains open, the light pouring into the apartment stunning Alastor Touchdown momentarily who blinks rapidly in response. Highlighting the silver paint circle around his nose. Cooldown grimaces.
“Ugh…let’s pop these back up.”
“No, No….”
A small smile spreads on the face of Touchdown. He slowly points to his cranium.
“Whaaaaat is happening in here?”
“I never know, man.”
“Oh…. Oh is that a bossa nova beat? I like that!”
“Daylight!”
“J-.....J-....JAM!”
“We be jammin’...”
“WE BE JAMMIN’!”
Cooldown begins clapping along with the rhythm. Touchdown stands, joining in. They begin yelling in unison like some sort of disco cult, voices growing louder.
“WE BE JAMMIN’”
“WE BE JAMMIN’”
“WE BE JAMMIN’”
“WE BE JAMMIN’”
Mid-chant, Touchdown reaches down for the can of paint again. He is stopped by Cooldown.
“No, no.”
“You don’t want any?”
Cooldown shakes his head as he pushes his partner’s arm away from the paint can. They then return to chanting and clapping on the beat in this beautiful world of DiscoJam.
“We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming for this serious report.”
LETS
GET
SERIOUS
Mr. TOUCHDOWN BFD, Craziest White Boy, Co-Duke Of Boogie Street.
“Good evening, World Citizens.”
“Tonight, in accordance with the unified consensus from…”
Touchdown pulls out a pair of reading glasses and looks down at the paper.
“IPW, NLW, Fireside, Tapout, AWF, IPW, Hardkore Wrestling, XHF, REIGN, SWAT, IPW, GUNS, XHF Discord and IPW. As well as the following teams: Dead End Express, Chaos Theory and Donzig-gun. All of whom joined in agreement as it relates to jokes and bits, from Los Jamrockers.”
“In the future, we will be careful of what we bit and don’t bit. To avoid hearing the same goddamn two points, every anti-Jamrockers promo. As stated, we get in trouble, every time we do this. Therefore, the following is the new SERIOUS mandate of standards and practices we will adhere to and uphold. Seriously.”
Touchdown steps aside, letting Cooldown take the podium. Expression serious. A lower third graphic appears again:
Mr. COOLDOWN BBC, Jimbo Slice, Vice-Duke Of Boogie Street.
“Between the hours of nine and ten PM, The Jamrockers promise to bit ONLY at the expense of themselves and no one else. We will NEVER bit on the following people, groups, federations, networks or companies both publicly and privately traded.”
“[CENSORED], [CENSORED], [CENSORED], [CENSORED], [CENSORED], and [CENSORED]. But also, [CENSORED], [CENSORED], [CENSORED] and [CENSORED] because they REALLY do not like our bits. We can’t stress enough how much we will not talk about [CENSORED]. We also have promised to never bit about these included subjects: [CENSORED], [CENSORED], [CENSORED] or use the following words: [CENSORED], [CENSORED], [CENSORED] and “bit”.”
“But, exceptions are made in these current circumstances. We will ONLY bit on the following entities: Jack and Hank Haggard of The Dead End Express, Spike Kane and Price of Chaos Theory, and [CENSORED]. Yet still, The Jamrockers will strive to improve and better ourselves to avoid re-using or responding to the same cliched talking points that everyone else has used. Such as: jokes, mockeries, insults to the sport and [CENSORED].”
“Now, as it pertains to IPW’s first pay-per-view premium live offering: First Contact. We promise that there will be less hilarious [CENSORED]’s an-”
“Ahh, [CENSORED]!”
“Hey, come the [CENSORED] ON! We will stop talking about our large pools of semen and will instead talk about our massive…”
Cooldown outstretches his hands. Podium length.
“Wrestling talent.”
“That was good.”
“Yeah, thanks!”
Clearing his throat, Touchdown adjusts his glasses.
“Regarding First Contact. We feel, as the FIRST and most famous tag team in IPW, it is our duty to show these Infinite Initiates how it is done.”
“One such team, [CENSORED]-gun, has had the…. Cajones.”
Touchdown glances at his partner, Cooldown thinks for a moment and waves his hand somewhat.
“My apologies, NUTS, to create a promotional video early. While we did not, for obvious reasons, watch it, we did have our Assistant skim and write notes about it. Most of [CENSORED]-gun’s words were things you have heard more concisely and more coherent from others, but are no less stupid. If they are a gun, they are out of ammo. Just kidding, I know what gun means, same as I know that WE are also undefeated in all of the lesser federations you bragged about in your promo. Be it as it may that our streak in IPW has ended, Somnia was narrowly close to being felled by the “joke” she looked down upon. This was a mistake that will not be repeated, especially with much more on the line for us personally. The future of the tag division, spearheaded by the first and most consistent tag team in IPW. Not a little Fed Slut, like [CENSORED] and his angsty pal.”
“We take [CENSORED]-gun seriously in regards to them standing before our crowning moment but, have no boners about it, [CENSORED]-gun, we don’t make jokes. People finding us funny are irrelevant, we’re here to be the best. If you wanna snuff out the Jam, make sure you can dance the boogie. Cause as it stands, the real jokes are you two. Unfunny, predictable, and unmemorable. Regardless of how many threats they make, parables they reference or accolades they list.”
Cooldown nods in agreement as he takes his partner's place behind the podium.
“In accordance to the new rules and regulations that have been emplaced upon Your Favourite Boys from Boogie Street, we take great pride in the things that we have accomplished in IPW, such as being the first winners in company history, and being the highest moment for moment draws in the demos. As we can plainly see from this SERIOUS y OFFICIAL graph.”
“If ya care about that sort of thing.”
“Now, we not only have to contend with the antics of [CENSORED]-gun, but also The Dead End Express. Two men who thrive in environments of chaos and bloodshed. These men, and the family that they come from, do NOT represent the values that we, The Jamrockers, aim to present to the viewing public.”
“Many will take our bits and our jokes at face value and not look past them. The Jamrockers are a global phenomenon talked about in over one hundred countries and in at least three languages. It is time for a change. Through these changes, it is time to get serious™ by streamlining and enhancing our tag team offence. It is something that The Dead End Express can not possibly hope to contend with. They’re brothers, but The Jamrockers are bound by something thicker than blood. [CENSORED].”
“SEMEN! DUDE! C’MON! We JUST said it.”
“My bad. Semen! By which I mean, testicular fortitude. Nothing sexual. I repeat, NOTHING sexual. We are our own creation. The Jamrockers aren’t ridin’ the coattails of a legendary family name. We are out here on our own four feet breaking new ground every single week. But, now? We’re taking that innovation and getting SERIOUS™! ”
Both Jamrockers now clear their throat obnoxiously. Standing side-by-side on a podium built for one. They both keep shifting their balance in order to stay standing in frame, neither acknowledge this. It wouldn’t be serious if they did.
“And now, regarding the final terrible twosome.”
“Chaos. Theory.”
The two men look at each other. Seriously. They turn back to the camera, when they speak it is suddenly with irreverence.
“Yeah, they’re good.”
“Any doubts about Price’s return are gone after his performance against Jack Haggard and Spike, though making lofty promises he’s yet to live up to in NLW, is a proven skilled competitor and dead guy.”
“We give ‘em respect. We don’t expect it in turn, that comes after we win.”
“The reality is, lads, your list of accomplishments are impressive and you’ve beaten some of the best. But you have never faced The Jamrockers, allll the legacy in the world can’t prep ya for that.”
“We already know the story. Ya might look at Los Jammers and think we’re punchin’ above our weight. But, there’s a reason Unc scooped us up to be the FIRST team in IPW. There’s a reason that IPW has a fffflourishing tag team division and it ain’t coz of the good ol Southern Boys, it sure as shit ain’t coz of no [CENSORED]-gun and it ain’t because of PRICE or Spike Kane. Since day numero uno, we’ve been here kickin’ out the jams day in and day out. First Contact is time to put a stamp on it and make it official!”
Both men nod. Again, they clear their throats. Shuffling the papers around before looking back at the camera, expressions once again serious.
“Oh, and one last thing.”
“I did not. I repeat. I did NOT sleep with that IPW Commentator.”
“As a matter of fact, we JAMMED! ALL! NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!”
Both men start laughing and destroying the set. Shattering the podium into splinters and ripping down the flags as MC5’s “Kick Out The Jams” begins playing.
We fade out, the final shot is of the torn flags.
LE//T’S
\\ ET
SER//I\US
Why So Serious…
First Contact? Final Countdown…